


How to Fail at a Confrontation

by UisceOneLove



Series: The Super Store AU No One Asked For [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: But seriously Klaus can't stop talking about Daddy Kink, Diego knows how to be a cocktease though, Everyone has issues okay?, Five has had enough of this shit, Five has issues, Five is Diego's son, Klaus Has Issues, Klaus deserves it, M/M, Mentioned Daddy kink that may or may not actually be true, No one should touch Dolores ever, Patch is dead (sorry), Patch was Five's mom, Russian translation now available!, diego has issues, late night confrontations, poor five
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21892348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UisceOneLove/pseuds/UisceOneLove
Summary: Diego wants to get a snack and sleep.Five has had enough and demands to be heard.Klaus is just...he's Klaus.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: The Super Store AU No One Asked For [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1340551
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	How to Fail at a Confrontation

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Как потерпеть неудачу в противостоянии](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24789247) by [kwk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwk/pseuds/kwk)



The last thing Diego was expecting to see when he came to the kitchen for a late-night snack was for his son to be waiting for him in the dark.

“Jesus, Five,” he gasped, slumping against the open fridge while he waited for his heart to stop racing. The cold air that hit his back made him shiver but his son sat placidly as ever at the kitchen table, legs folded and back straight as a rod.

“I’m not awake to discuss the merits of religion or the belief in some higher power,” Five responded.

“Then what _are_ you awake for, besides trying to send me to an early grave?” The question made them both wince from an unintentional reminder. Diego warily turned away to look through the plethora of leftovers. “You have school in the morning.”

Five snickered. “I am capable of functioning despite a missed hour of sleep.”

Diego got to be only minorly comforted by the fact that Five didn’t wait up any longer than that. So he waited for the boy to make his reasons known while he grabbed the bag of two-day-old gorditas and didn’t bother to heat them up before he was taking a bite out of one.

It shouldn’t amuse him so much that it disgusted Five but his son brought it on himself.

Klaus, too.

Don’t even let him find out about that.

“This situation is no longer acceptable,” Five finally declared.

Diego arched a brow. “You creepily staying up in the dark to talk? I’d have to agree.”

“If you made yourself available at an earlier and more convenient time then it would not have to happen.”

“You see me whenever you’re not in school, Five.”

“Work does not count,” Five argued stiffly, “that’s where we are expected to behave with professionalism, not discuss personal matters.”

Diego filled the room with the loud crackle of crumpling the gordita wrappers into one big ball and throwing it into the trash.

“I don’t know what you’re looking for, then.”

“You keep bringing home Klaus,” the boy seethed.

Oh. Okay.

He figured this talk would happen eventually.

Diego sighed and warily took a seat across from his son.

“We’re dating,” he replied carefully.

Five scrunched his face up with disgust again. “Is that what you’re calling it?”

“We go out, we spend time together outside of work, we talk. So yeah. That’s what I call dating.”

Among the other things they do that he is not going to talk about with his kid. What kind of fucked up parent does that?

“You have time to do all of that between work and rounds of sex?” Five challenged.

So much for not having that brought up.

“You can’t be serious. What I do with Klaus is none of your business,” Diego replied.

Five banged his fist against the table. “You do it in our house and at our shared place of employment!”

“Who told you – “

“No one had to when Klaus wears the evidence around like a badge of honor!”

Damn it, Klaus.

“Even then, I can _hear you through the walls_.”

And that was why Diego told Klaus to shut the fuck up.

“Look,” Diego started.

“No.” Five shook his head. “It’s my business. He’s my co-worker and he is fucking—”

“Rico!”

“ – who is _screwing_ my father,” he amended with a hard glare, teeth clenching tight. Five was going to crack a tooth with all that pressure.

“Do you have a problem with it because it’s me that Klaus is with, or because Klaus and you love to antagonize each other?” Diego asked calmly, crossing his arms.

“He violates Dolores and has the audacity to steal my favorite coffee when you let him stay over,” Five snapped in response before pulling it all right back in. No kid should be that good at walling off their emotions.

“I know that man – Dolores means a lot to you. But if you want someone to control Klaus, you’ll have better luck getting Ben to do it. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a Klaus Whisperer.”

Five’s eyes narrowed in a way that made Diego feel very much like he was just put on some kill list.

“So you’re saying that you’ll do nothing.”

“I’m saying that I can talk to him, but with no promises of change.”

“You could break up with him,” Five countered, “or fire him.”

“That’s not happening.” What was this?

“Why not?” the boy demanded.

“Customers love him, he actually does his job competently – “

“What about the glit – “

“ – glitter just being one issue that he was then sent to clean up, and because he’s actually a good guy.”

Five’s lip curled. “A good guy.”

“When he’s not an irritating and overenergetic ball of sarcasm, yeah.”

Amazingly, Diego went from wanting to constantly punch those raccoon eyes to finding them gorgeous and endearing. Klaus was like getting a rash; it itched like hell and consumed every thought until you get relief, but as soon as it’s gone you’ve grown too used to it and keep scratching anyway.

Five compared it to Stockholm Syndrome once.

Diego started to think he needed to restrict what his son had access to online and on Netflix.

“Klaus is a pest who only does things for himself,” Five countered with.

It was Diego’s turn to look his son down with a hard gaze. “Klaus has gone through his own shit, Five. He’s more eccentric than we’re used to and it drives us crazy most of the time but he’s not as dumb or as selfish as you think he is.”

Five rose from his seat. “We are at a clear and extremely disappointing impasse. If you and your bedfellow are finished with your acrobatics then I am going to bed.”

“That’s it?” Diego asked.

“You can take a horse to water, dad, but I can’t make you drink it. Even if I hold your head under the water.”

“Five, come on.”

But his son was out and gone. Was a father supposed to appease his kid on this? Five wasn’t, you know, _five_ anymore. So dating shouldn’t be this big battle. It wasn’t like Klaus was who he intended on dating. Vanya still couldn’t look at him now without turning red and frankly, he couldn’t look at her in the eye either without stuttering. Klaus was an asshole with capitol Issues. Diego apparently was into that.

Even a guy like Klaus deserved a decent relationship with someone who will look out for him at his worst.

He didn’t know if Klaus had heard any of the conversation but when Diego got to the bedroom there was the oddly comforting sound of snoring. Klaus’ limbs were strewn haphazardly all over the bed like he’d taken possession of it. Those curls that Diego had a particular like of pulling were a bush above the blankets. Drool would likely be a memento on the pillow in the morning. He had to push Klaus’s limbs to even get back on his own side of the bed.

It didn’t do much; Klaus was all over him like some kind of monkey as soon as Diego pulled the covers up. Klaus was like a heat-seeking missile so he could soak it all up for himself.

A lot of things about Klaus should still bother him.

Some nights he’ll go to bed questioning it all over again. Just for the fun of it.

Because he was stuck having feelings for this bastard.

Not once, though, did he ever think that Eudora would be looking down ashamed at the choice of new Significant Other that he made.

So one day Five needed to get the fuck over it.

And that was really the last thought Diego had before the mercy of sleep was thrust upon him.

There wasn’t much to remember about sleep apart from some hazy figures, talk of a Kraken, and Luther getting a solid punch to the face. Those might honestly be the best parts _to_ remember. What brought him out of it, on the other hand, was _very_ worthy of memory.

Nothing was better than the heavy currents of coffee and cooking meat.

Diego braved a look at the clock and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was only eight o’clock. Another surprise was that Klaus was no longer next to him in the bed.

Or anywhere in the room, for that matter.

Diego rubbed the sleep from his eyes and did the usual trudge from bed to hallway to kitchen. He got to have his third surprise of the morning when he saw Klaus was the one standing in front of the stove, spatula in hand, a “Kiss the Cook, Papi” apron around his waist that the man had bought all too gleefully last month, and that dreadful song by some girl group coming from his mouth. 

“ _Give it to me, I’m worth it! I-I’m worth it!_ ”

He wanted to walk right back out of the room but couldn’t decide if the worst part was the song or the off-key voice Klaus had with it.

“ _Give it to me_ – “ Klaus _thankfully_ cut himself off when he caught Diego still hovering in the doorway and grinned. “Hey there, Papi.”

“Don’t call me that, Klaus, I’ve told you – “

“Only in the bedroom, gotcha.”

“N-N-No.” This wasn’t the time to get flustered. Shit.

Klaus waved him off with the spatula hand. “Sit down do I can impress you with breakfast.”

Diego eyed the counter for any signs of fire he could have missed or something broken. “Maybe I should help you instead.”

“No can do, my big D,” Klaus stated with a waggle of the spatula. “You are to get coffee and sit that firm ass of a Dick Grayson variety down in a chair.”

Diego stopped for a second, his mouth opening and closing. “What did you say about my ass?”

“Did you want it like Andrew Garfield’s when he played in the Spidey suit? Because that’s also working for me,” Klaus offered.

“I don’t want to understand any of that,” Diego decided. He was not awake enough for this. He went for his mug and filled it with freshly brewed coffee while Klaus picked back up on his off-key song.

It wasn’t until he was in a chair that he realized why the coffee tasted more bitter and watery than usual.

His damn kid seriously hid the good shit just to keep Klaus from having any.

Speaking of. Five, looking wrinkle-free in a way that will never be figured out, wandered in with his own steaming mug. Was Diego going to need to raid Five’s room to look for a Keurig or coffee maker?

“Well happy early morning to you, Five,” Klaus greeted.

Five was already glowering. As soon as Klaus decided to add a messy and noisy kiss to the kid’s cheek it bordered on murderous. All Diego could do was bury his head and sigh.

“Now I’m going to have to scrub with disinfectant when I shower,” Five growled.

“Five,” Diego chided.

“Don’t worry, Fivey, I already did my test for the month,” Klaus dismissed with a wave of his free hand, Goodbye acting like an additional statement, “and I am happy to report that the Hep has gone away.”

Diego choked on his hot liquid caffeine. His son was another step closer to homicidal disgust.

“Dad did he – “

“He was kidding!” Diego shook his head rapidly. He was also hoping that his throat didn’t decide to give out from the trauma.

“You’re right,” Klaus nodded solemnly, “it was just the hickey.”

Now it was Diego’s turn to start glaring. “Is breakfast done?”

Five’s head jerked in his direction. “You’re allowing him to quite possibly kill us and ruin the food we have?”

“Worrywarts. Ben taught me how to survive off of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.”

Five looked on in horror. “You shouldn’t have to survive off that.”

Diego was inclined to agree. There were far better things, but…

“Pancakes aren’t so bad,” he said lightly. “Or waffles.”

Klaus set a smiling plate coated with syrup and whipped cream hair. “That’s because anyone can live off of their favorites,” he said brightly.

“Klaus, why is it winking at me?” Diego asked.

“The pancake likes to look at you as much as I do,” Klaus answered with a purr.

Five pushed his away. Diego had to stifle a laugh. Klaus captured the very look of Unimpressed that the boy loved to wear.

“I’m no longer carrying an appetite,” Five stated before he stood.

“He was just playing around, Five, give it a chance,” Diego requested. “Try it before you leave it.”

“And risk my own life to appease your boy toy?”

Klaus gasped and looked at Diego giddily, “I’m your boy toy? Aw, D, does that mean you’ll finally get me that coll – “

“ _Klaus!_ ”

“You’re right. Too sensitive of ears around,” he nodded, pointing at Five.

Diego had to remind himself that he does, in fact, have feelings for Klaus and does _not_ want to give his son permission to hide a body. Then, he turned back to said son. “For the sake of my sanity, Five, and your work ethic today. Eat the damn pancakes.”

Having a stare-down with a kid, even if he is past the age of eleven, should be questioned. It shouldn’t be a measure of maturity and it should not be hard to defeat Five at it. Five was intense through and through.

“He is why you’re going to need to start paying for me to have therapy,” the boy informed him, slowly pulling the plate back.

“It’s the best,” Klaus encouraged, biting into a fresh pancake and hissing at the heat, “but mine decided that I needed someone more experienced.”

Diego was going to regret this. “Why?”

Klaus dipped his tongue into a glass of whatever to cool it. “Oh, because I was trying to tell him all the ways I like to call you Daddy.”

Five was out of there within seconds, shouting “Therapy!” along the way.

Diego buried his face in his hands while trying not to murder Klaus. It’d look bad if he ever tried to join the police academy like he’s spent years thinking about. Ben and Allison would be furious. He needed his job to pay for Five. Five didn’t need to lose another parent.

Liking Klaus should probably be on the list somewhere.

“Did I say something wrong?” Klaus asked innocently.

“Very.”

“Whoops. My bad.” A pause. “You know, it would be the perfect time for you to punish me, then. You know. As my Daddy.”

Diego slowly lowered his hands. “Oh, I have a lot of punishing in mind for you, Klaus.”

That’s why for the first two hours of their shifts that day involved a miserable Klaus standing in the Floral section re-organizing and shifting every single fake flower they had. Including the poinsettias and holly branches from the seasonal shipments.

Diego stood there with triumphant joy as Klaus glared down at two different branches of fake pine.

“They’re the same thing! One shouldn’t be O21 while this other one is J004!”

Diego shrugged, turning his smiling to passing customers. “I guess it’s up to you to figure that out. You might want to hurry, though. There are two more shark tanks in the back that are overflowing with the seasonal floral.”

Klaus whined, “Why can’t Ben do it?”

“He’s covering the registers.”

“Five?”

“Taking care of the ornaments.”

“Back-up cashier?”

“That’d be me.”

Klaus groaned. “This is not what I was talking about this morning when I asked to be punished.”

The man narrowed his eyes when Diego stepped closer. “You wanted me to bend you over my knee and spank you. I know.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Diego slid his hand along the front seam of Klaus’ bright red vest, watching as the brunet’s eyes followed the movement hungrily. “Because you would have enjoyed it,” he answered in Klaus’ ear, then stepped away. “Good luck with the flowers.”

He could hear Klaus behind him squeaking and whining. Good. Then next time Klaus will censor himself in front of Five.

He also wondered if therapy could be given discounts if a father and son took the appointment together.


End file.
